A Most Merry Tale of the Duel
2/6/2009
**Phone rings**
Technician: This is Capoferro Tech Support, can I help you?
Caller: Yes, I am currently in a duel and I would like some help.
Technician: Can I get some information about your opponent?
Caller: Sure. He has a sword.
Technician: Can you tell me anything else?
Caller: He’s got black hair and brown eyes.
Technician: [audible sigh]... Can you tell me if he is skilled, unskilled, or bestial?
Caller: How can you tell?
Technician: A bestial fencer will throw many blows with great impetus and has no understanding of tempo or measure.
Caller: I don’t think that’s him; he’s just standing there.
Technician: Does he have his sword out?
Caller: Yes and it is pointed at me.
Technician: Are you within his measure?
Caller: I don’t know.
Technician: Can he currently strike you with a lunge?
Caller: Yes, he’s already hit me twice… I’m bleeding a bit from the shoulder. That’s why I called you.
Technician: You should have told me that first. I need you to immediately retreat out of distance.
Caller: Ok… I have retreated… He seems to have relaxed a bit.
Technician: That’s good. I need to know if your opponent is clever.
Caller: **Loudly aside** Hey, are you clever or what? **Into the phone** He says he isn’t clever.
Technician: I want you to assume the guard and cover the inside line with your blade. Turn your point towards his forward shoulder aligning your edge so that you cover his blade with your strong against his weak.
Caller: Ok… this seems to be working. I think he might be impressed or something. He might even be afraid. I love fencing!
Technician: Now, he should execute a cavazione and try to strike you on the outside high line. Be ready to counterattack by rolling your hand into secunda, closing the line and counterthrusting. Are you ready?
Caller: Ok.
Technician: I want you to gradually move forward with tiny steps directly towards him.
Caller: Ok… I’m taking tiny steps… He hasn’t done anything yet. I think it may be working. Oh oh… he attacked the outside just like you said!! I’m counterattacking!! Ahhhh Ahh ohhh ohhh!! He feinted!! He feinted!! He parried my counterattack!! I’m bleeding again!! Yes.. I’m definitely bleeding!! I hate fencing!! I hate it!!
Technician: Calm down. Calm down! I need you to listen to me. I need you to retreat out of distance again.
Caller: Ok… Ok… I’m retreating. He relaxed again. What would happen if I rushed him? Would that work?
Technician: It would probably work for him.
Caller: What does that mean?
Technician: Don’t worry about it. Here’s what you need to do.
Caller: Ok, I’m ready.
Technician: Are you out of distance?
Caller: Yes.
Technician: Can you see the adversary?
Caller: Yes.
Technician: When you are ready, I want you to repeat after me. Are you ready?
Caller: Yes.
Technician: “I want to sincerely apologize for having offended you.”
Caller: **Loudly aside** I want to sincerely apologize for having offended you.
Technician: Now put your sword away and see if he lets you leave.
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For the record, covering the inside line and counterattacking the cavazione in 2nd is Plate 7. I’ll leave it to you guys to figure out what the clever fencer’s response was.
Still one of my favorite posts ever. 🙂
By Illadore on February 8, 2009 7:35 pm
That’s just soooo funny. 🙂
By Rhiannon on February 9, 2009 3:41 am
Given that the guy on the phone was talking and and not gurgling, I will say the clever fencer used the false edge parry, followed by a relatively delicate dritto to the face.
By Ernesto on February 12, 2009 6:04 am
Ernesto… This may be the best response I have ever gotten to this little tale. Consider yourself awarded the “No Prize for sword-geek excellence”.
By puck on February 24, 2009 8:00 pm
But, Ernesto, what if the clever fencer was LEFT handed!? Wait, and only fighting right handed to gain an advantage? Hold on, as a skilled swordsman he would have sensed no need for such subtrifuge, so, probably not. But then, the false edge parry would have been, at best, a conceit unworthy of one so schooled. So, chances are, he misjudged his rival and was lucky to have survived! Hah, tech support saves the day yet again…!
By Daniel Hunter on May 19, 2009 11:44 pm